I'm almost lost...

Aug 16 2012 ∞

I’m almost lost…

The day has deteriorated so rapidly that I can’t stop shaking. Crying.

My situation has worsened to the point where I am truly at a lost. I don’t know what will happen, but every eventuality just seems one more level of bad and even worse.

I am still jobless. Over 2 years. The benefits are done. I apply left and right. Over 50 pages of applications (at 10 to 15 a page) made now in just the last year alone, and … nothing. Interviews go well, but always, it’s not me they choose. Despite the BA, and the 15+ year excellent job history. Two states, five cities/towns that I’ve applied in. I cannot move. And now…

In very rapid succession, I am imminently about to lose my phone - the number on all my applications - and I cannot meet the rent at month’s end.

I have tried, over and over, to sell things on ebay, craigslist, livejournal and in local shoppers. Over and over, I just end up renewing the ad - no headway made.

If no one wants it, it has no value. That’s that it feels like. The items I try to sell. And me… God, but it feels like that’s my tagline too.

With all this, I still try and hope that it’ll change for the better. That something GOOD will happen for me. For my mom, who’s disabled. For us both.

The only moments of any happiness and sense of accomplishment I’ve had in the last year has been in my online attempts to help spread the word about the series, “Husbands”. What so very little I could do, I have done to share the news, to garner the show interview time, to build up the viewers by word of mouth - all on an unprofessional, amateur level - but each success they had, any very small part I played - it felt so good. It’s been the positive that I cling to…

So when Season 2 went live yesterday - I tried to come out of the quiet that I’ve been sinking into online. I told myself that I would allow myself to be happy - as one great press article and interview after another hit.

It’s been the biggest mix of gladness and guilt. Guilt because as each day gets worse in real life, as we get closer and closer to the disaster that is pulling my strings with scissors poised to snip… I feel like I don’t have a right to have the glad. To feel good. Because things are NOT good.

Little did I know that real life was just waiting to kick me and my family in the teeth as it did today. Almost like a punishment for yesterday’s happiness.

My mother has had to go to multiple different doctors over the past three weeks. Five appointments, tests, etc. Today, she was told that something is wrong with her colon. They are scheduling a colonoscopy, asap. For next week.

We are days from potentially being on the street. And in the midst of it, she’s going through this. The damn test is on the last day of the month - such irony, because it’s becoming this ticking clock of doomsday. And she’s so damn fearful, and thinks she’s going to die. She’s talking funerals and is so angry. And I am in tears, and rage.

I need help. I need SOMETHING, please God, something to happen that helps us, and doesn’t continue the slid of worse, worse, worse…

Dear heaven, universe, or anyone who can… help, if you can.

Pray for us, if you pray.

If you’re an Aidan Gillen fan - please see if you can buy any of the Collection items I have left:

http://xof1013.livejournal.com/226010.html

If you go to Ebay - please see if any of these things are something you would buy:

http://www.ebay.com/sch/xofy/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686

And if at all possible, in any way, if you could donate to helping me and my mom - I’m xof1013@gmail.com on paypal if you are able to gift.

I’m wretched in all this. More than two years has worn me down. I feel so much less of a person than I thought I was. I haven’t got the right to feel embarrassed anymore about sharing this. Or about asking. It’s my only option at this point.

I thank you, even if you can’t, for reading this. For any kindness, I am grateful. More than I can say…

And I’m so sorry. I do not mean to cloud anyone’s day. x